No Man is an Island, Except the Isle of Man
by BossaNovaBaby24
Summary: After a planned trip to the USA goes wrong, Section D find themselves in their worst situation yet; stuck on a desert island with only eachother for company. s9 team. chiefly humour, with a bit of H/R awkwardness thrown in for good measure!
1. Wait it's not a holiday?

**A/N**

**Okay, once again I am back with a story intended for humour and lightheartedness only! Those looking for a serious, well thought-out and meaningful piece of insight into the mind of Harry Pearce or the actions of Lucas North, please hit "back" as fast as you can. For those who just want a mindless, plotless bit of fun, read on!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, locations etc. They belong to Kudos, Monastic, BBC etc. No copyright infringement intended.**

**No Man is an Island, Except the Isle of Man**

It was meant to be a usual day on the Grid. Terrorists were meant to threaten the monarchy and/or the country as a whole, Section D were meant to stop them. Like cops and robbers really, except a bit more important.

However, when Harry walked out of his office, pale and resigned, and called them all to the briefing room, the team knew immediately that it was not going to be an ordinary day. Harry only ever looked so hard done by when he had been on the phone to-

"The CIA," Harry started wearily, looking at the rest of the team, "wanted to invite us over to the United States for a few days."

He had only just finished the sentence when the protests erupted;

"What the hell do _they _want!"

"Why do they always give us orders like we're a smaller country!"

"We _are _a smaller country, Beth!"

"How am I going to watch Strictly Come Dancing!"

"How am I going to explain this to my landlord!"

"How am I going to explain this to my cat!"

There was silence at the last comment and everyone looked at Ruth. She turned bright red and coughed, before looking at Harry.

"Y-you were saying, Harry?"

"Yyeess," Harry said slowly, trying to get his thoughts back together and away from Ruth talking to her cat, "the CIA wouldn't take no for an answer."

"Did you say it loads of times?" Beth asked, "sometimes you have to _keep _saying it for them to get the picture."

"I dropped it in every sentence," Harry sighed, "but they weren't having it. We're to leave tomorrow morning on the earliest flight out. So, you're all free to go home early and pack."

Dimitri, Beth, Tariq and Lucas cheered at the thought of an early day and raced out of the briefing room. Harry noticed Ruth still sat in silence at the table.

"Something wrong, Ruth?"

"What sort of things will we need to pack?" she asked nervously.

"Oh, well, I don't know exactly..." He couldn't exactly instruct on that kind of thing. Somehow he doubted Ruth would be packing whiskey, ties and a Sudoku book like him.

"It's just that, I've never had a... day off before."

"What about when you went to Cyprus?"

Ah. Wrong thing to say. Ruth glared at him.

"Funnily enough, Harry, I didn't put a lot of thought into packing that day. You see, I was in a bit of a rush, trying to catch my boat before they realised the body found in the Thames wasn't mine!"

"Sorry, you're right, yes," Harry backtracked, "can't you ask Beth for help? She must know what to pack, get a general idea from her."

Ruth nodded reluctantly and stood up.

"If I get caught out in the American Airport because I'm carrying a gun, it's because of your advice I hope you realise. That girl is a walking arsenal."

...

Beth tugged at the zip of the suitcase trying to get it to shut.

"Stupid thing!" she shouted at it as the zip refused to budge, "'extends and fits more' my arse!"

Ruth wandered in at the commotion coming from her flatmates bedroom. She found Beth sitting on her suitcase, trying to push it down.

"What on earth have you packed, Beth!" She asked incredulously, walking over to see.

"Essentials, if the damn thing would just _close!_" Beth ground out through her teeth before she yanked the zip with force.

Ruth peered in the gap and looked at the 'essentials'.

"Oreos?" She raised her eyebrows at the young Spook.

"Have you tried their idea of chocolate?"

"No."

"Pack some Cadburys bars," Beth replied with a visible shudder.

Ruth didn't bother to explain to her that they could buy Oreos in America. She'd figure it out eventually.

"Beth, have you packed anything that cannot be eaten or exploded?"

"Of course," Beth argued, affronted, "I have a couple of bottles of vodka in there too."

...

Lucas sat down next to his empty suitcase. He didn't own alot of stuff, it was quite sad actually. He glanced down at the three framed pictures he held in his hands.

Did he take his picture of Maya?

Or his picture of Elizabeta?

Or how about his picture of Sarah Caulfield?

He sighed and wondered when his life got so complicated. With resolution, he shoved all three in his suitcase, plus a change of clothes and zipped it up. _Done._

...

Tariq didn't need a suitcase, not really.

He would just buy whatever he wanted when he got there. Everything could be bought online. Instead of packing, he decided to play with the facial recog on his laptop. Well, that was the official line anyway. Instead, he logged in to World of Warcraft.

He had always maintained that the team would be sorry when they were stuck in an unfortunate situation and had no level twenty three dwarf mage to help them.

...

Dimitri whistled along to his ipod as he packed his things. He threw in some clothes that would show off his physique. No-one would be able to resist, he thought smugly.

As he browsed through his bathroom cabinet, he came across some suntan lotion.

_Well, I'm never going to get to use it here. Maybe they'll send us somewhere sunny in the US and I can get a nice tan._

Buoyed by the thought, Dimitri threw it in his suitcase.

Suddenly the song changed in his ears.

_"It's rraaiinniinngg mmeenn, hallelujah!"_

Dimitri looked around quickly and, seeing no-one around to ridicule him, shrugged and turned it up.

...

Harry looked at his carry-all with satisfaction.

Whiskey, three silk ties and a book of puzzles, perfect. He sat down and celebrated his efficiency with a glass of wine and turned on the tv to watch 'The Chase'.

It was only much later that he realised he should probably actually pack some clothes as well.

...

The airport the next day was manic, with all the staff of Section D scrabbling round and trying to get seats next to anyone but Lucas. He would no doubt spend the trip there telling them how the past love of his life worked for the CIA. Then out would come the pictures, everytime like clockwork on any trip that lasted longer than the time it took him to find the photos.

Beth grabbed a seat next to Dimitri, while Harry ordered seats for both himself and Ruth. Tariq was last in the queue and asked desperately if any other seats were available. In the end, he took the seat between a man with a rather strange body odour and a woman prone to falling asleep on the passenger next to her and dribbling.

They were all waiting on Ruth now. Eventually, with minutes to spare, they saw her running towards them as fast as her sensible shoes could carry her. In one hand was a large suitcase on wheels, in the other a bulked out carry-all. She also had her handbag (that actually appeared to be larger than the carry-all) slung around her neck.

"Wow, Ruth" Lucas said, looking at her luggage warily, "you have a lot packed."

"Well, I was influenced by Beth on what to pack..." Ruth started, slightly out of breath.

Beth smiled smugly. She was a role model. She had never been a role model in her life. For good reasons, everyone told her, but this time she proved them all wrong.

"You, er, you packed the same as Beth?" Harry asked nervously. Surely she won't get past security if that were the case...

"Yes," Ruth replied, "except, instead of the guns I packed my kindle. Oh and instead of the vodka I packed a blanket. Also, instead of the substance that looks suspiciously like C4, I packed some Werthers Originals."

"Werthers Originals?" Harry interrupted, trying hard not to laugh, "Ruth, we're going to help out the CIA, not scout out our retirment homes."

"Wait," Tariq cut in, confused, "this is actual work business?"

"Yes," Harry replied, "why? You didn't think it was a holiday did you?"

Everyone glanced at eachother, embarrassed. Finally, Dimitri piped up;

"Do we have time to go back and-?"

"-No."

...

The plane was cramped and quite busy. Tariq sat squashed in his chosen seat, trying desperately to block out the pungent aroma of cheese emanating from his left while also trying to slowly move his shoulder away from the woman to his right who had fallen asleep on it. He could handle the dribbling without complaint, sort of, but when her false teeth fell out into his lap he was near breaking point.

Beth was busy browsing through Dimitri's ipod while he looked out the window. _Such wonderful views of the ocean, _he thought with wonder as they glided over it, _pristine and clear. I just want to dive in and-_

"Your most played song on here is 'Careless Whisper'!"

Dimitri groaned in annoyance and snatched his ipod back out of Beth's hands. She was smiling evilly, the kind of smile that told him he hadn't heard the end of it just yet.

"It's a very meaningful song," Dimitri argued, "it's got more depth than you have!"

Beth was silent at the caustic comment and Dimitri regretted saying it. She slowly sat back in her seat and looked at the TV screen in front of her. They were silent for a few minutes while Dimitri wondered desperately what to say in this situation. His thoughts were broken by a snigger from his left.

"You listen to George Michael!"

Beth was laughing again.

Harry watched out of the corner of his eye as Ruth put her handbag in the overhead luggage. She had already nearly knocked out the person in front of them with a falling Rubiks Cube and Harry had to force the people behind to sign the Officials Secrets Act when they threatened to sue for injury as Ruth's kindle fell on one of their heads.

Harry didn't mind though. He liked watching Ruth stretch and bustle about, cursing in Ancient Persian. With a final successful cry, she sat back down next to Harry, kindle in one hand and Werthers Originals in the other.

She offered him the packet and he contemplated them. If he said no, he maintained his status as 'not quite dead yet' but at the same time went hungry. If he were to accept, he would be basically asking the pilot to take them straight to Florida to start searching for a condo by the sea, but his stomach wouldn't rumble embarrassingly.

He accepted the sweet, much to Ruth's delight.

She happily ate away as she turned on her kindle. At his enquiring gaze, she showed him the screen.

"I charged it up some this morning. It's got six hours left of battery life. Means I can read whatever book I want without having to lug them all around."

Harry squinted and looked at the screen.

"_The Prince's Virgin Bride?_" He read aloud, curious.

"Oh shit!" Ruth blushed bright red and hit random buttons to make the title go away.

"That sounded like a Mills and Boon title-"

"-Well it wasn't!" Ruth shouted quickly, "I-It's an ancient history book! About Cleopatra and Mark Antony and how the Battle of Actium affected their relationship and that of Octavian."

Harry just smiled and nodded.

"Of course."

"How do _you _know it's a Mills and Boon title anyway?"

"Well," Harry flustered, "I-"

The plane took that moment to jolt. Ruth gasped and clutched at the arms of the seat. Harry gazed at her softly.

"It's just turbulence, Ruth."

"Uh-huh," she replied shakily, "I don't like flying. So many tubes of pringles in the air at once, it's just not natural Harry."

"Nothing bad is going to happen, I promise you."

As soon as he said that, the plane jolted again but harder. It continued to shake and groan, before oxygen masks fell from the compartments above. The lights flickered off and the air stewardesses started to scream.

Ruth turned her head to glare at Harry.

"You just _had _to bloody jinx it."

**A/N**

**reviews are love. share the love!**

**next chapter up hopefully sometime soon!**


	2. Stuck on an island but who cares?

**A/N**

**Thankyou all for the wonderful reviews, I hope this next chapter lives up to expectations. Lots more plot holes, slightly emo Lucas, awkward Harry and Ruth to come! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, they belong to Kudos, Monastic, BBC etc. no copyright infringement intended! The location is mine though ... because I made it up!**

_Day 1:- _

_6 hours left of charge on Ruth's kindle_

"I really have no idea what happened."

"I know what happened. He jinxed it."

"I _jinxed _it?"

"Yes, you did!"

"Please, Ruth, give me the scientific explanation of the 'jinx'."

"You said 'nothing bad can happen because I'm Sir Harry Pearce, I'm big boss guy' and ... and then something went wrong!"

"Fantastic. I brought the plane down on words alone apparently."

"You two need to calm down."

Beth opened her eyes at Dimitri's voice. The sun glared down on her face and there was sand beneath her. She groaned in realisation that it wasn't all a big, ridiculously realistic nightmare. The plane had really crashed.

She looked over and found Dimitri standing opposite Ruth and Harry on the beach, who had their arms crossed and were refusing to look at eachother.

"Where are we?" Beth asked, looking around their surroundings.

"New York," Ruth answered, "at least we _would _be if Harry had kept quiet."

Beth wiped her hands on her trousers and started searching the shore for something... _there!_

She ran over and waded into the sea. Just a few metres out floated a suitcase, _her _suitcase.

Dimitri saw what she was doing and ran to help. That left Harry and Ruth, still trying to ignore eachother. It took only a few seconds for one of them to break;

"You don't _really _think I had anything to do with the plane crash, do you?" Harry asked, worried that Ruth might think him some sort of evil terrorist. He knew what she did to terrorists and vowed that he would make sure she didn't go anywhere near fallen tree branches.

"No, Harry," Ruth sighed rubbing her face, "it's just..." She paused as she pulled her hands away and found them flecked with blood.

"You have a cut," Harry said, concerned, "you should get it checked out-"

"-Yeah, it could get infected and weep puss before eventually crusting over and disfiguring your face," Lucas' voice cut clear as a bell through the air as he wandered over to them.

"It might just be a small cut that will close on it's own," Harry noted the panic and fear in Ruth's expression and tried to reassure her.

"No cut is small and safe," Lucas replied, not catching on to Harry's attempts, "it _will _get infected and more than likely you could lose half your face."

Ruth started to hyperventilate.

"For crying out _loud _Lucas!" Harry shouted, exasperated, "you're giving her a panic attack!"

"Sorry," Lucas immediately apologised, looking abashed. Ruth shook her head, letting him know she forgave him. He watched her take steadier breaths.

"... A panic attack could kill you, you know."

...

Beth grabbed one end of her suitcase, Dimitri grabbed the other.

"Did you manage to get anyone elses bags and suitcases?" Beth asked as they pulled it towards the shore.

"Mine was in a tree and I found Ruth and Harry's stuff a couple of centimetres apart on the beach. Even their bags are hopeless with eachother."

"What about Lucas' suitcase?"

"That may have accidentally floated out to sea." Dimitri replied evasively.

"Accidentally?"

"Okay, maybe it had a _bit_ of help from Tariq and myself."

"You just kind of pushed it away when it was in the water?" Beth was intrigued. Why didn't she think to do that?

"Well we pulled it down from the tree, wrestled it out of Lucas' hands, ran to the shore with it and Tariq swam with it out to sea before pushing it away."

"I see."

"... And we held Lucas back until we saw a shark get it."

...

Beth and Dimitri made it back to shore in good time, with her suitcase in hand.

Lucas was scouting the beach for more survivors or luggage. Tariq sat under the nearest tree, laptop out and was furiously typing.

Ruth had found her kindle on the beach and was frantically dusting sand off it. She flicked the switch, once, twice, three times and prayed that it would come on.

"Please," she begged, looking at it, "please, please, please!"

The kindle screen turned on.

"Oh thank god!" she sighed, "although I think my warranty covers this."

"Ruth," Harry said from his position sitting on the beach, "if it didn't work, how on earth were you going to get it replaced for free?"

"Err," Ruth hated being outsmarted, _it just wasn't right, _"Go Compare guy!"

"...What?"

"He could have swam here like he does on the adverts."

Harry took a mental note to educate Ruth later in the finer points of gracefully losing an argument.

As it was, he was saved from commenting further by the arrival of Beth and Dimitri, dragging the suitcase behind them.

"This place is nice, right?" Beth asked, looking at the dense forest ahead of them, "I mean, take out the horrific plane crash and possibility of never being rescued, before eventually having our rotting corpses found on the shore being eaten by wild hogs. I could really see me settling down in a nice villa here."

"What's in your suitcase Beth?" Harry asked wearily. The girl made his head spin sometimes, and not in the good 'too much whiskey and Rod Stewart on the radio' kind of way.

"Essentials," she replied succinctly, "everything one might need when trapped on a desert island."

"You've been trapped on a desert island before?" Dimitri asked, curious.

"No," Beth admitted, "but I watched 'Lost'."

Ruth was busy unzipping Beth's large, overpacked suitcase. She lifted the lid and sighed.

"I don't remember seeing alcohol, Oreos or quite so many guns in 'Lost', Beth."

"Exactly," Beth nodded, smiling, "and that's why it sucked. At least we can have a good time while we're here."

"What do we do now?" Ruth asked Harry, who was still sitting down. He glanced at them all and saw their vulnerable, confused and lost expressions. He was the Head of Section D, their leader. It was this kind of situation that he needed to stand up and take charge of. He got to his feet confidentally and puffed out his chest in new found importance.

"Drawing on all my experience from desert island scenarios," He told them all, "we need to set up two teams, the Tigers and the Sharks."

"'Shipwrecked?" Ruth all but shrieked, "we're stuck after a horrific plane crash on a desert island with no shelter, no safety and no help, and you're giving us the choice of two teams from a weekend Channel 4 TV programme?"

They were all silent for a moment, Harry in particular looking abashed. It was Beth who eventually broke their silence with-

"I call Sharks!"

**A/N**

**Reviews are more than welcome and, in fact, LOVED! Let me know what I'm doing wrong and I'll ... well I'll keep doing it because there is nothing about this story thats actually quite RIGHT.**


	3. How did Tariq's laptop survive?

**A/N**

**more madness to get your heads round, sorry just can't help what comes out of my head! Hope you all enjoy this next installment.**

**Disclaimer: Since you last asked? ...Still don't own them funnily enough.**

_Day 1 :-_

_6 hours left of charge on Ruth's kindle_

Beth unpacked her suitcase, sorting her things into four piles; clothes, guns, food, alcohol.

"I honestly don't know how you managed to fit so much stuff in there," Ruth said to Beth as she passed by, "I half expect a lion to jump out and tell us we're needed in Narnia."

"Nah, he only calls on weekends," Beth replied absently, putting the last pistol down, "anyway, it's a good job I managed to save this. The weapons may come in handy, _and _the alcohol."

"Oh yes, to sterilise the wounds?" Ruth asked wisely. It was definitely an ingenius use for it.

"Erm, yes, for that. Of course. Not to get Lucas completely off his face and persuade him to float out to sea with a ball named Wilson."

Ruth walked over to Tariq, who was looking annoyed at his laptop.

Meanwhile, Harry walked towards Beth with an armful of twigs. At her enquiring gaze, he explained;

"For a fire," he threw them down in a pile next to her things, "so how _did _you get that suitcase past customs?"

"Why _wouldn't_ it get past?"

"You see, Beth, in Britain we have something called _the law. _It stops people like you smuggling guns in and out."

"Well it didn't do a very good job then, did it?" Beth replied, annoyed. Honestly, anyone would think she was a trigger-happy criminal.

"Well, no, you're right" Harry flustered, looking around for some life line of reasoning, "but, it's just odd that you got through, with that many weapons."

"God, Harry! I'm not a criminal you know! I mean, I'm MI5! I'm weapons trained, I used to work for Private sector! It's not like they were doing anything _wrong _by letting me past!"

"Alright! Alright!" Harry put his hands up at the irate Beth, "I just wondered, that's all."

"That's okay," Beth calmed down and looked at her weapons stash, "now, can Dimitri and I go play with them? Please?"

...

Ruth sat down next to Tariq and unlaced her shoes. She didn't really need them on an island and she didn't have any flip flops or alternative footwear. After disposing of her very comfortable, flat shoes, she looked over at Tariq. He was muttering angrily under his breath.

"Tariq, are you alright?"

The young Techie looked up at her and then looked back at his laptop.

"No," he said with frustration, "This island doesn't have Wi-fi!"

"So you can't contact anyone for help?" Ruth grimaced. She had hoped Tariq had some way of connecting to get a distress signal out.

"Nope, and I can't play World of Warcraft either!"

Ruth rolled her eyes.

"Tariq! We're stuck on a desert island and you're bemoaning your life because you can't play a fantasy role play adventure game?"

"No," Tariq argued, "i'm not bemoaning my life! I've still got The Sims on here!"

"...Really?" Ruth was intrigued. She had heard of The Sims.

"Yep, look," Tariq showed her the screen and little virtual people appeared.

"Hey, that one is named Ruth!" she pointed excitedly at the screen, "you created us?"

"Yeah, look about that..." Tariq looked uncomfortable and tried to pull the screen away, but it was too late.

"... What is she doing with Harry?"

"They're sleeping! Completely platonic!"

"What the hell is 'Woohoo'!"

...

Ruth stalked over to Harry, Beth, Dimitri and Lucas, her face flushed red. Whatever that miniature Ruth and Harry were doing, it was _not _right. Mainly because her and Harry weren't doing that.

"Ruth are you okay?" Dimitri looked at her red face and gleaming eyes and looked concerned.

"I'm fine."

"She's just embarrassed because her and Harry were woohooing!" Tariq shouted, running up to the group.

Harry was sippnig water at the time but promptly sprayed it everywhere. The rest of Section D looked between him and Ruth, eyebrows raised in curiosity.

"We-" Harry gasped, also going red, "we never-what... I don't, er-"

"The Sims," Tariq elaborated.

There was a chorus of disappointed sighs from the rest of Section D. They did not want to be stuck on an island with Ruth, Harry and their insufferable friend, Mr UST.

"It's starting to get dark," Dimitri noted, trying to distract everyone, "should we light a fire?"

"Yes," Beth agreed, "I'll just-"

"-_I'll _do it!" Lucas interrupted, trying to look important, "I'm Section Chief after all."

"Okay," Beth said slowly, "I'll get us some of the paper in Ruth's suitcase-"

"-I don't have paper," Ruth cut in, confused.

"You have books, don't you?"

"Beth! You wouldn't dare-"

"-Let's not go into what I would and would not do right now-"

"-Quiet!" Lucas bellowed, "I'll use some gunpowder from a bullet to spark it."

"Lucas," Dimitri said warily, "I really don't think you should do that."

"Come on," he replied, looking at everyones alarmed faces, "what's the worst that could happen?"

...

"Wow, I really didn't expect his eyebrows to catch fire that fast," Beth commented light-heartedly as they watched Lucas stop, drop and roll.

"Me either," Dimitri agreed, "do you think we should help?" He picked up a bottle of vodka and indicated an injured Lucas.

"Good idea," Beth grabbed the bottle and took a swig. She winced as she swallowed and looked at Dimitri's unimpressed expression, "_what? _I'm trying to get the image out of my head."

"...Pass us the bottle."

Ruth wandered over to them, while keeping a concerned eye on Lucas. It seemed that no-one had actually gone over to help him.

"You know," Ruth said, nervous, "the more I look at each person here and the individual qualities they bring to the situation... the more I fear we're all going to die here."

...

It was an hour or so later that they all sat around a newly built fire.

Beth was loading, unloading and reloading one of her pistols happily. Dimitri and a newly singed Lucas were both asleep, while Tariq looked up at the clear night sky. Harry and Ruth sat close together, but not too close to be considered over-friendly ... but no so far away to be considered not attracted to eachother. They sat at that distance commonly known as 'safe'.

"You're not wearing shoes," Harry commented, looking at her feet.

"No, I thought them rather pointless in this situation. Why?"

"Must be the most skin you've ever shown, Ruth!" Beth smirked as she reloaded her gun.

"I..." Ruth didn't really know how to reply to that. Harry tried to help her out;

"No it isn't. Once when she came to give me information on Danny and Fiona she showed a bit of her stomach."

No-one knew the _true _meaning of awkward silence until that moment.

Ruth looked alarmed, but it was nothing compared to Harry who looked as if he was a deer caught in headlights.

"Not that I looked," He amended quickly, trying to dig himself out of the hole he had now created. He looked imploringly at Beth, silently begging her to help him out.

"Ha, nope, you're on your own on this one Harry."

The rest of the night was spent in a heavy silence.

**A/N**

**Reviews are welcome and loved, thankyou very much for keeping with it all. Next chapter up soon I hope!**


	4. Who ate all the Oreos?

**A/N**

**Yeah so I have no idea what was going on with this chapter! Hope you all enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Seriously, since the last time NOTHING has changed. I really still don't own them!**

_Day 2:-_

_5 1/2 hours left of charge on Ruth's kindle_

The next day, Beth decided that she needed to distribute the weapons between the team.

"I just think it would be better if we all had a gun each just in case anything untoward comes out of the jungle behind us," she told them all. It was logical, of course it was.

"Harry, I think you should have these," Beth handed him two pistols. He took them reluctantly (he hadn't been out in the field for years).

She handed Lucas a small uzi and Dimitri a miniature rifle. How she had managed to fit these in her case was beyond everyone's imagination, but they didn't ask questions. Tariq was handed a another pistol while Beth kept two pistols to herself.

"Right," she said, clicking the safety on her guns, "now we're a bit safer."

"Erm," Ruth put her hand up, "I haven't got one."

_Ah._

Beth looked uncomfortable. It wasn't because she didn't _trust _Ruth with a gun, it was just that... well, okay, that was exactly the reason. Being a good Spook, Beth came up with a lovely lie that placated the hurt Analyst.

"I know you haven't, Ruth. It's because I have a special weapon for you."

"Oh, okay," Ruth replied excitedly.

Beth looked around her quickly, hoping for sudden inspiration. She found it.

"Here!" Beth handed Ruth a stick she had found near the fire that had fallen out and not burned.

"... A tree branch?" Ruth looked sceptical.

"Yes! I read your file, about how you hit that guy round the head with one. It was very, _very _skilled and I was impressed. So, it is only natural that you use one to tackle any enemies, seeing as you are so familiar and... skilled... with one!"

It worked. Ruth looked a bit happier as she took the stick.

"Well, I _did _hit him quite hard."

...

"Now that everyone is armed and dangerous," Beth said to the gathered group, "I think you men should go hunt. We need some food for tonight."

"Hang on a minute," Dimitri interrupted, looking indignant, "why do _we _have to hunt?"

"... Well you are all men. It's tradition. Men hunt, women cook. In a desert island scenario it's no different."

"Beth," Ruth said, holding the stick in front of her uneasily. No weapon made her feel comfortable, "I like to think that I have helped in the fight for women's liberation. It's a bit... sexist ... isn't it? To send them out."

Beth opened her mouth and closed it. _Sexist? _Was it even possible for a woman to be _sexist? _

"Fine, Ruth," Beth replied, with a hint of forced enthusiasm in her voice, "let's all go hunting. I'll partner everybody up, shall I? Let's see, I best stick with Dimitri, we usually work well together. Lucas, if you go with Harry as he isn't used to being in the field. Well, Ruth, that leaves you with Tariq."

Ruth looked over at Tariq who grinned and waved his gun. The cartridge fell out.

"Now you mention it, Beth, men would be better suited to hunting."

...

"Surely I should be staying here," Harry muttered, watching as Dimitri, Lucas and Tariq picked up their supplies.

"Why?" Beth asked, also watching them, "scared you won't be able to keep up?"

"No!" Harry immediately snapped, "I just... well I think I would be better suited to protecting you and Ruth."

Beth laughed inwardly, but on the outside Harry merely saw her eye twitch.

"Think of taking down a large animal and bringing it back. Imagine the hero you would be in Ruth's eyes. Every girl likes to know the man can be a provider."

That seemed to do the trick. Harry's chest puffed out and he picked up his pistols. He holstered them round the front, in his belt.

"Okay," Beth said slowly, "Ruth would appreciate a provider, she _wouldn't _appreciate a woman, so put the bloody safety on, Harriet."

Harry looked around sheepishly, hoping Ruth hadn't seen his little mistake. It was okay, Ruth was just a bit further down the beach, reading on her kindle.

He looked at her one last time, before following Lucas, Tariq and Dimitri into the jungle.

...

"Took them long enough," Beth sighed as she flopped down on the sand next to Ruth.

"Hmm?" Ruth looked at her, turning her kindle off, "why do they need to go hunting anyway?"

"Well," Beth pulled out a packet of Oreos, "so _we _can snack out on these."

Ruth took one gladly and laughed.

"Can't believe they warmed to the idea so quickly."

"Please, I'm surprised they didn't go for it quicker. I mean, it involved their three favourite things. Food, guns and ego."

"Shouldn't we go make an area by the fire for the food to be prepared?"

"Ruth, the day they come back with a _grizzly bear _will be the day when I cook."

...

Harry tried his best to keep up with the three in front, but it was quite hard. They had such long legs, it wasn't fair.

It was silent in the jungle as they pushed on further and they were all starting to grow bored. The only amusement so far had come from Lucas' panicked dances when a cobweb got in his hair.

"I spy!" Tariq suddenly shouted, batting a branch out of the way.

"What?" Dimitri sighed.

"I Spy! I'll go first. I spy with my little eye something beginning with... T!"

"Train?" Lucas said sarcastically, "Tambourine? Talcum powder? Tango? Tokyo? Tesco?"

"Talk Talk?" Now Harry and Dimitri joined in, "Trivial Pursuit? Towers? Trifle? Teleological argument for the existence of God-?"

"-Ruined. You've ruined it now," Tariq sulked.

"How can we ruin something when we know it was going to be 'tree'?" Dimitri asked.

"How did you _know _that was what I was going to say?"

"Because we've already played charades and pictionary with you and every time it's been 'tree' Tariq."

"Oh."

A sudden noise caught their attention and the group stopped suddenly, listening out. They heard it again; a grunt perhaps?

Harry decided to take charge of the situation. He turned around to the men who had stopped behind him and signalled behind to the noise.

"This could be it. Dimitri," he said to the younger man, "you take the left, Lucas outflank it on the right. Tariq we need you for cover. Now, let's find whatever it is."

"Harry?" Tariq almost squeaked, his voice several octaves higher.

"what Tariq?"

"I-I think it's found _us._"

All four men heard the noise get louder and closer. The leaves on the nearby bush started to shuffle and Harry took it as the cue to retreat. Before he could say anything, however, Dimitri shouted;

"Harry! It's behind you!"

...

A noise from the tree line drew Beth and Ruth's attention away from the view of the shore. Turning their heads, they saw Harry limp towards them. Ruth immediately jumped up with concern and ran to her friend/more-than-a-friend/boss/man-she-was-in-love-with.

"Harry!" She panted as she reached him, a little embarrassed at getting a stitch from running not even 100 metres... then again, it _was _in sand, "what the hell happened!"

"Oh, it was horrible Ruth," Harry said weakly as he all but collapsed against her. His shirt was torn on his arm and blood flecked his face. He was covered in dried mud also.

"Harry, what happened out there?"

She was too busy looking for injuries to notice him puff his chest out slightly.

"Well..." he started, "we were in the jungle and then, just as we were lulled into a false sense of security, this _dragon _came out from nowhere!"

"A _dragon_?" Ruth asked, shocked. She hadn't even thought dragons existed, she felt so stupid now to have ever contemplated them not existing!

"Yes," Harry continued, "It was eight feet tall... Eyes a deep, blood red!"

Ruth was hanging on to his every word, mesmerised. Beth rolled her eyes at the story. Seriously lame.

"... The dragon turned on me, baring it's teeth, smoke rising in it's mouth as if it were about to breathe fire! But I stayed put, I took out my pistols and I-"

A loud throat clearing from behind distracted them all. Harry turned around and all three saw Dimitri, Lucas and Tariq standing there, carrying a miniature hog (the size of a cat really) between them all. Harry turned back.

"... Nevermind."

**A/N**

**Please let me know what you think with a review :) thankyou all. Next chapter up soon!**


	5. Does Lucas have any friends?

**A/N**

**Damn computer troubles, sorry for the slow update! It seems technology HATES me these days! Anywho, hope you enjoy this chapter, it's complete nonsense, but if you've read my story so far then you'll know that it's all been pretty much nonsense so no surprises here!**

**Hope you all enjoy!**

_Day 2:-_

_5 1/4 hours left of charge on Ruth's kindle._

"Ow!"

"If you _move _when I tell you not to, then it's going to sting, isn't it?"

"I moved _because _it started to sting. Natural reaction."

"If you say so Harry."

Ruth applied the last, loose plaster she had in her carry-all. She was quite proud of Harry really; He didn't once complain about being covered with Disney plasters. Perhaps she should actually be concerned.

"So," she said, taking a look at him, "how did you manage to get so hurt?"

"I don't know what you mean," he replied, gingerly looking at the various pictures that adorned his arms.

"Come on, Harry. Your shirt is torn, you were covered in cuts and blood. What happened?"

"The warthog turned wild, took me by surprise. I tried to grapple it and it viciously attacked any part of me it could get to."

Ruth put her hands over her mouth and gasped. _Her _Harry, taking on a dangerous, wild beast! He was so brave, so strong and stoic-

"-Hey Nurse Ruth!" Dimitri called out, coming towards them with a ball under one arm, "if I weave you a story of great heroics can you kiss my cuts better too?"

"What?" she asked, confused. Harry groaned and closed his eyes. _Great._

"... He fell over."

"He...?"

"... Fell over. He ran, _screamed _as well actually, and then... he fell."

Ruth looked at the now abashed Harry, her eyes narrowed.

"You better have tripped over a dragon."

...

Dimitri ran to the middle of the wide beach and called for everyone's attention.

"Hey guys! Look, we've been hunting, searching for survivors, attending to the injuries of Baron Münchhausen over there" Harry scowled, "... I say we take some downtime!"

Everyone agreed readily, after all they _were _putting in lots of effort to try and forget they were actually in quite some trouble. You'd have thought that an entire missing team from Section D including the Section Head would warrant _some _search party.

"I think," Dimitri carried on, "we should play volleyball."

"Where did you find that ball?" Beth asked, curious.

"Errr... well ... It was just sitting on the beach. It's no-one's property, just a random ball."

"Then why does it have a face?"

Ruth moved in closer to inspect the ball in question. There was indeed a face, drawn hastily and... not at all accurately unless Picasso was stuck on the beach with them (which she highly doubted... _hoped _for, but doubted).

"Right, so!" Dimitri hastily grabbed the ball away and walked towards an empty bit of beach, "I say we pretend the net is here, yes?"

"Okay," Beth replied excitedly, "I'm in. Who else wants to play?"

Everyone grumbled under their breath.

"Oh, come on! Ruth, you want to play right?"

"I-I really don't think I should," Ruth said uneasily, wringing her hands together, "I've never been good at sport."

"You can't be _that _bad," Dimitri argued.

"Oh, I am."

"Justify why you are bad at sport," Beth said triumphantly, with a smirk.

"_'Justify'_?" Dimitri asked Beth.

"'Word of the Day' toilet roll. Now, Ruth, what could you possibly have done to warrant a self-imposed life ban from all sports?"

"It's not self-imposed!" Ruth replied hastily, "my teacher told me never to play sports again!"

"How long ago was that?"

"... Thirty years."

"You haven't played sports in thirty years?"

"No. And everyone is still alive. I consider it a success."

"What the hell did you _do _Ruth?"

The team stared at her, eagerly seeking answers.

"I...I..." Ruth stuttered, turning bright red as she remembered, "... I may have accidentally swung my hockey stick back and took out a class mate. She was hospitalised for a week."

Silence followed her confession, which Beth promptly broke;

"That's it?"

"Well-"

"-Ruth, I did that _everyday,_" Beth tried to soothe the shaky analyst, "on purpose a lot of the time."

"Great, I hired a sadist," Harry said, "perfect, just perfect."

Beth shot him a glare, before wrapping her arm around Ruth's shoulder and guiding her towards the make-believe volleyball court.

"We've all played hockey and accidentally lost control of the stick Ruth, that doesn't mean you have to stop playing forever."

"... You don't understand," Ruth replied miserably, "we weren't playing hockey."

"No, of course not, you were having a bit of a play fight during hockey?"

"No... we weren't playing _hockey._"

"I don't understand."

"We were playing Badminton."

**...**

While Dimitri was trying his hardest to convince the girls that volleyball was in fact a sport in which they had to wear next to nothing, Tariq decided to finally talk to Harry about something he considered very important.

"Harry," he started, trying to attract his boss' attention.

"...In a minute Tariq..." Harry was absently gazing at Ruth (of course).

"What are you staring at?"

"I'm trying to see if Dimitri will convince Ruth to wear a bikini..."

Silence greeted Harry's last absent statement and he realised quickly what he had said... aloud. He turned to Tariq, who had his mouth slightly open in surprise.

"That is to say," Harry amended, stuttering, "it would be improper, sexist and completely uncalled for. Sexual harrassment. I need to... keep check so I can stop any such thing occuring."

"Right."

"Can I help you Tariq?" He didn't like the way Tariq looked at him. It was almost _sceptical._

"Yes, I just felt the need to reiterate the fact that we are stuck on a desert island with no supplies, no way of getting back, no way of communication and, worst of all, no wi-fi. I'm paying for internet security, Harry, and there is _no _internet."

"...Hmm indeed."

Tariq sighed as he saw Harry's attention wander back to the argument going on between Ruth, Beth and Dimitri.

Tariq gave up and turned around.

"Am I the _only _one concerned here!"

**...**

"It's not an international law, Dimitri."

"It _is_!"

"If it was an international law, then why do all the countries wear proper sportswear in the Olympics when they play it?" Beth asked, not at all convinced by Dimitri's argument.

"They play volleyball in the Olympics?" Ruth cut in, curious.

"No idea," Beth replied with a shrug, "no-one pays attention to every game, just the running, cycling and gymnastics. Still, Dimitri, it isn't an international law!"

"Fine, it may not be recognised as international," Dimitri argued, "but I am Greek. In Greece, it is definitely a law. It is a well known one. 'All female contestants of volleyball must wear a bikini'. It allows for movement and whatnot."

"I lived in Cyprus during my exile. I lived there for 3 years!" Ruth replied stubbornly. She was _not _getting out of her comfortable long skirt. Never.

"You lived there for 3 years and you _never _knew of that law?" Dimitri asked, shocked. He knew just how to convince her, "seriously, Ruth? You... _didn't know _that?"

Ruth opened her mouth and closed it several times. She had admittedly never heard that law, no, but the way Dimitri kept repeating the word 'know'... She was an Intelligence Analyst. She was meant to know things, everything. She had to be useful, especially when it came to laws. What if a Greek was to request a volleyball game with Section D and Ruth didn't announce this custom? The Greek would be insulted, Harry would be embarrassed _publicly _in front of every country... he would call her into his office and proclaim his disappointment; he would fire her! He wouldn't love her anymore! She would wander the streets, jobless, trying to recount lines from classics she _thought_ she knew and all the while-

"Ruth, you're hyperventilating." Beth looked at her, concerned.

"No..." deep breaths, Ruth, deep breaths "... no I'm... not..."

Dimitri smirked; _perfect. _

"So, Ruth, you _sure _you never knew of that law?"

"Now you... mention it... I do... remember that... law."

...

Thus it came to pass; the boys (Dimitri and Tariq) and the girls (Beth and Ruth), wearing merely swimwear, fought against eachother in the toughest, roughest game of volleyball that Section D had ever seen. No-one knew that volleyball could be so gut wrenchingly violent-

"I feel bad hitting this ball in the drawn-on face."

"Come on Ruth," Beth rolled her eyes, "just serve the damn ball already!"

"No! It's looking at me in an accusing manner!"

"Just... just imagine it's someone you _really _hate, okay?"

"Alright, fine."

It seemed to do the trick. Ruth threw the ball up and punched it with as much force as she could muster. It flew over to the boys side and struck Tariq in the chest, winding the poor boy.

As Dimitri helped a gasping Tariq stand up, Beth looked towards Ruth with raised eyebrows.

"Very impressive," she said with a smirk, "who were you thinking of?"

"Cliff Richard."

At Beth's look of surprise, Ruth shrugged defensively.

"I hate that guy."

The moment was interrupted by the appearance of Lucas, out of breath from having run from his make shift bed just on the fringe of the trees where he had been sleeping. Dimitri quickly hid the ball behind his back. Lucas stopped near them and looked around, his eyes wild and frantic.

"Where the _hell _is Frederick!"

**A/N**

**Poor Lucas. **

**For those who are unaware, Baron Munchhausen was a german nobleman famous for his... tall tales. He recounted how he rode cannonballs, travelled to the moon and pulled himself out of a swamp using his own hair (or bootstraps in some tellings). **

**My own little ... hate... may have publicised itself in this chapter, whoops.**

**Let me know what you think please :) thank you!**


	6. How many punches can Beth get in?

**A/N**

**This has taken me ages and I apologise profusely! I really do! I had writers block since I hadn't spoken to my partner in crime for weeks! But now that she is back and speaking and giving me ideas, I hope to update a bit quicker, but still I ask for a bit of patience as I also have 3 essays due in quite soonish! I think I will wrap this little nonsensical adventure up in a few chapters! All grammatical and spelling errors are of course my own, in case there are any!**

**Disclaimer: Do not own them, it all belongs to Kudos, BBC etc. no copyright infringement intended!**

**Enjoy (I hope)!**

_Day 3 :-_

_5 hours left of charge on Ruth's kindle._

"It was just a ball, Lucas, get over it!"

"Get over it! You deflated Frederick! You _murdered _my friend!"

"Yeah well, you murdered the real Lucas North!"

Everyone's heads shot up at Dimitri's last shouted statement. A silence settled as they watched Lucas' face lose all colour and his eye twitch a little (he looked actually quite scary). Dimitri looked around him.

"... no-one knows about that yet?" He asked weakly, looking towards Lucas.

Lucas shook his head.

"Ah right, well, nevermind everyone!"

With a collective shrug, the rest of the team turned back to their various tasks.

Lucas let out a long breath, calming down slightly from the near-revelation. Dimitri took that time to look at him and mutter;

"Saved your arse."

….

Harry walked over to Tariq, who was desperately waving tree branches about over his head.

"Signalling to passing planes?"

"No," Tariq retorted wearily, still flapping the branches.

"... trying to fly off of here?"

"No... I've already tried that."

"Really? Did you get very far?"

"Yes actually, a couple of feet off the ground and about 2 metres forward."

"Seriously!" Harry looked at the young man, clearly impressed.

"Yep, but I put it down to jumping, tripping over some sand and falling forwards."

"Right. Of course. So what _are _you doing?"

"Trying to get signal."

"...With tree branches?"

"Yep. A simple concept really. I'm trying to tie some things together and make a satellite dish."

"Tariq, that's genius!" Harry patted him on the back, "then we can get some help!"

"Erm, yeah... I didn't want it so I could twitter."

...

Ruth was reading her kindle in the glaring sun. It was okay though, as thanks to the brand new features of the kindle there was no glare off of the screen. Ruth kept that fact to herself though; the team were starting to get annoyed with her constant product placement.

"What are you reading?" Harry asked as he sat down next to the reclining Ruth.

"Er, Ovid."

Harry glanced over at the screen.

"_The cowboy's secret love child._"

Ruth flushed red and turned her kindle off quickly.

"W-What did you want, Harry?"

"I was just wondering if you had any Werthers Originals left? I'm a bit hungry." He looked so cute, sitting there in his disney plasters, that Ruth didn't want to let him down. But alas she had to.

"Sorry Harry, the last one was eaten this morning."

He sighed.

"Ah well, I'll go find Lucas. Maybe he is doing something useful for once."

Harry stood up and turned his back on Ruth. As he traipsed away, Ruth pulled a Werthers Original out of her bag next to her and popped it in her mouth, grinning triumphantly. With lying skills like that, Ruth thought it no surprise that MI5 wanted her so badly!

...

"Guys!" Lucas ran towards the collected group, flapping his arms wildly, "I did it! I did it!"

The group ran over, confused and exhilarated at Lucas' sudden enthusiasm for something.

"What? What did you do?" Harry asked quickly.

"You got wi-fi!" Tariq piped up, excited.

"No."

"You got over Frederick!" Dimitri asked.

"No!"

"You found my stash of Oreos and bullets!"

Everyone turned to Beth, who had the grace to look slightly apologetic.

"Sorry, survival of the fittest and all that."

"No..." Lucas shook his head, before saving them the pain of guessing, "I have made a help signal!"

The team looked at him silently.

"I wrote 'HELP' in big letters in the sand! Any passing plane or helicopter _has _to see it. Seriously, guys, it will work!"

The enthusiasm and excitement on Lucas' face gave Harry a small ounce of hope.

"Good job, Lucas. May we see it?"

"Sure!" Lucas grinned, "it's over here!"

The team followed the eager Lucas over to a vast empty part of the beach near the shore. There was golden sand, a slow and gentle lapping of the water as it reached shore and... nothing.

"... Where did you say this help signal was again?" Harry asked, looking around.

"I... It was right here Harry, I swear!" Lucas looked outraged and confused as he pointed towards where he had wrote 'HELP'.

Beth looked around at the rest of the team, who all looked on silently and annoyed.

"Shall I take this one?" She asked.

"Please do, Beth," came Harry's muffled response as he rested his face in his hands.

Lucas turned to the young blonde, confused. He didn't have time to open his mouth when he saw a fist fly towards his face.

He blacked out pretty soon after that.

...

"You didn't have to _punch _him, you know."

Ruth put her last plaster (a Lion King one, her favourite) on Beth's cracked knuckles.

"Ruth, he wrote 'HELP' on the shoreline."

"An honest mistake. He probably didn't think so far ahead as to predict that the water would wash it away."

"It's the shore, not a fortune telling. It was _going _to happen."

"Still, violence was not necessary."

Beth winced as she clenched her hand into a fist. God, Lucas had a hard jaw.

At that moment, Dimitri strode towards them and grinned proudly at the young spook.

"Nice one, Beth. He's just come round."

"I should probably go apologise..." Beth grumbled reluctantly.

"He's insisting that his 'HELP' sign was hijacked by the russians."

Ruth took a deep breath and looked towards Dimitri.

"How long will another punch knock him out for?"

Dimitri laughed and shrugged.

"The reason I came over here," he told them both, "was to enquire whether anyone wanted to play another island game?"

Beth looked up quickly, her conflict with Lucas forgotten.

"What kind of game?"

"I was thinking..." Dimitri pulled out a rather long stick from behind his back, "limbo?"

Beth clapped her hands together excitedly. She always won at limbo when she was younger. Admittedly it was because she insisted on playing it with her grandma who had to use a zimmer frame to stand up, but still.

"I'm in!" She announced, before turning to Ruth, "come on, I won't let you knock anyone out with the stick, okay?"

"I will," Ruth replied, uneasily, "as long as there isn't some stupid dress code rule."

"Only the proper rules of the game, Ruth, no worries."

"Good."

"Yep, nothing beats a nice, relaxing game of naked limbo."

Dimitri never saw the fist coming at him.

**A/N**

**Yep, as you can tell I have no idea what is going on and am making it up as I go along :) only a few more chapters though I think ... but fear not, I have another story started up and ready to go so apologies in advance for making you all run, screaming, for the hills at the thought of another one.**

**Reviews are welcome!**


	7. Why is it always Ruth?

**A/N**

**Wow this has been some long delay in chapters, eh? I know, bad me, slapped wrist and everything! If any fans of this story remain after such a long time, then I thank you massively for your patience! If you DID enjoy it, but got bored of the long wait between updates then good for you, you held out longer than I did apparently in writing it!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Kudos, Spooks or any of Section D... Harry and Ruth would have had a bitch!slap fight and epic make-up by now and Sacha would have turned out to be the secret love child of the Prime Minister and a potato. **

**Enjoy?**

_Day 3_

_Ruth's kindle has stopped working due to sand issues_

"Harry I really think we should start looking for a way off of this island..."

"Mmhmm."

"I mean, we've been here 3 days now and I for one am sick and tired of not being able to check facebook."

"Mmhmm."

"I've just admitted that I have facebook," Tariq waved his hand in front of Harry's eyes, "hello?"

Harry was silent, pretending to give a damn.

"It's under my real name. I update regularly with what crisis we're going through. Full details."

"Indeed."

"I even end it with 'lol'."

Harry remained disinterested, his thoughts fixed elsewhere. Tariq sighed and followed the older man's gaze over to Ruth, who was dipping her now swollen knuckles into the sea.

"Ruth punched Dimitri pretty hard for suggesting naked limbo, eh?"

At the words "Ruth" and "naked" Harry snapped out of his daze.

"Where?"

"Where's what?"

"... nothing. You were saying Tariq?"

"I was _saying _that we need to find a way off of this island and preferably sooner rather than later."

"It's not been _too _bad here. Why the sudden urgency?"

"we've been here three days and what have we accomplished? We have no communication, Dimitri has a black eye, Ruth got sand in the kindle, Lucas has been, if possible, _more _of a nuisance. I swear he's solar powered with it. To top it all off, you've had three days on a beach with Ruth and your _bags have _managed to get closer than the both of you. Oh and now Beth has decided it's survival of the fittest and _somehow _has acquired a flamethrower. Harry this needs to stop."

"You're right Tariq," Harry agreed sagely, nodding.

Tariq smiled. _Finally._

"I'll move our bags apart. I'm not letting my bag win this race. It's just embarrassing."

With that, Harry walked off and left a confused and frustrated Tariq in his wake.

...

"Hey Lucas!"

Lucas groaned and turned around as he saw Beth running towards him.

"For the last time, put _down _the flamethrower before you come near my safehouse!"

Beth slowed to a stop and showed 2 empty hands.

"Err, your _safehouse_?" she shouldn't laugh. It was rude to laugh.

"Stop laughing!"

"Sorry," Beth tried to control herself, "I was just thrown by your name for it."

"It's a house and it's safe. It's my safehouse."

"Okay... but you do realise that it has no walls and I could take it down with a bean bag right? Therefore, it is not a house _or _safe."

"What have you come over here for, Beth?"

"Oh, just to avoid Ruth I guess. Dimitri decided to get revenge on her for punching him by filling her kindle with sand. She's pretty mad, said she now can't read her classics."

Lucas looked over and saw Ruth chasing Dimitri across the beach, kindle in one hand and in the other was a-

"Beth, where did you leave your flamethrower?"

...

"Right!" Harry clapped his hands and grabbed the teams attention, "I think we have been on this island long enough to consider killing eachother for food. In order to combat these animalistic urges, I suggest a team building exercise!"

"We could throw Lucas out to sea?" Beth suggested immediately.

"How would that be considered a team building exercise, Miss Bailey?" Harry asked, exasperated but with a hint of hope. Maybe if they each grabbed a limb, it could fall under the criteria.

"Oh, team building? Sorry, must have not heard that."

"We could have a race?" Dimitri piped up.

"No sports!" Ruth scolded, shutting the young officer up. He could still feel the flames on his eyebrows.

"We could all work together to fix Ruth's kindle?" Tariq suggested. There was an eager agreement by Ruth, but the others looked wary. They hoped the kindle would just die and stay dead (unlike some of their officers).

Harry glanced around at his despondant team. They had been on the island for a few days and already they looked haggard and shipwrecked. Dimitri was sporting a tramps beard, Lucas had run out of hair gel, Tariq looked vacant without his facial recog, Beth had an unnaturally wild gleam in her eyes and Ruth looked... well she always looked good to Harry and so he refused to comment on her appearance. She pulled off shipwrecked marvellously.

"I say we go searching for signs of life!" Harry suddenly ordered, confident and in charge. He couldn't be sure, but he thought Ruth swooned a little at his power. It was either that or she stepped into a sandhole.

The team agreed enthusiastically, with Beth picking up her last packet of Oreos, her flamethrower and a £5 note.

"What?" she asked defensively as the team stared at her, "there might be a shop out there somewhere. No way am I going unprepared."

Harry sighed and led them towards the edge of the forest.

"Harry, I think we need to be extra vigilant. We know from my missing help signal that the Russians are about and if they catch me, I can't spend another eight years in a Russian cell. The last time was too painful, I-"

"-Lucas, this is getting tiresome," Harry replied, rubbing his face, "we know you didn't spend eight years in a Russian cell. We have seen your facebook holiday photos. We saw the shots of you surfing."

"I was waterboarded!"

"Surfing, waterboarding, same thing."

"Hey now, I-"

"Shhh!" Ruth called out, hearing something from deep inside the trees.

As usual, no-one paid her the least bit of attention.

"-how _dare _you! I was held and tortured for eight years for Queen and country!"

"Eight years, Lucas! Didn't you ever stop and wonder why we didn't make the trade quicker!"

"The Russians told me you were just really mean hagglers!"

"Have you not seen the government expenditure? MPs would rather pay thousands for a glorified duck house, Lucas, than get you back!"

"Oh, don't do this Harry, you'll make him cry!" Dimitri pleaded, watching as Lucas' eyes grew very shiny.

Harry didn't listen, his anger bursting and flowing out of his mouth before he could stop himself.

"And to top it all off," he shouted, "I don't even _read _your permission to socialise forms anymore because they read like a tragic Mills and Boon novel!"

There was silence following Harry's final words. Dimitri and Beth looked between the two men uncomfortably. Harry was trying to regain control of his breathing while Lucas fought back the tears. It wasn't manly for him to cry. He shouldn't cry.

"Oh dear god!" He sobbed, falling to the ground.

Harry felt a little bad after that.

"Hey," Tariq piped up, glancing around them all, "where did Ruth go?"

Harry spun around, his eyes frantically searching for a trace of bad fashion sense. There was none to be found and he closed his eyes.

"Oh, shi-"

**A/N**

**Surprisingly for you readers and myself, the next chapter is actually already written and ready to go! **

**Hope you have enjoyed this installment, please do let me know! Next chapter ACTUALLY up soon, I promise!**


	8. There is a village in the Jungle?

**A/N**

**Your reviews are my food. I could eat you all up. I didn't expect people to still be following this, so thank you all who read and commented! Much appreciated!**

**Here is the next chapter, as promised! Slightly shorter and more nonsensical really (if possible?)!**

**Enjoy!**

_Day 3_

_Kindle still not working... here's hoping Ruth got the warranty!_

"You know, I don't feel at all appreciated in this group," Beth complained as she pushed aside a tree branch. She let it loose on Lucas behind her, who yelped in pain, "when we get to America i'm going Private Sector again. I think i'll be more appreciated there."

"I hear the Tracy Brothers are looking," Dimitri cut in.

Beth spun around and her tone went from petulant to downright defensive, "What made you say that? Why? What?"

""Whoa, calm down. Just saying. Why?" he held up his hands in a pacifying gesture. Beth breathed a sigh of relief and carried on pushing through the forest, before calling back over her shoulder;

"Actually, i've already worked for them. They were weird. Made me dress up in pink, it was all very kinky. I think the dad had a thing for me personally."

...

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"... how about now?"

"Tariq, for the love of god if you don't shut up i'll make a boat from Beth's Oreos and send you out to sea," Harry threatened, trying to search for any sign of the other three who pushed on ahead.

"That's not much of a threat you know," Tariq pointed out. He followed Harry, waving his phone about in the hopes of getting a signal. Damn Vodafone.

"It will be when I put Lucas in the boat with you."

Tariq unsurprisingly went quiet, which allowed Harry to stop and think.

"Now, if I were to kidnap Ruth, where would I take her?"

"Sex dungeon," came a small cough from behind. Harry turned around to face Tariq, who looked the picture of innocence.

"What did you just say?"

"I said six degrees north of this location."

"Oh... right. Yes, I knew that."

Harry walked them in the direction Tariq so did not recommend.

...

"Where are you taking me?" Ruth screamed, fighting the darkness that surrounded her. It was pitch black, they'd obviously put something over her head to stop her from figuring out their master evil plan (because she was smart enough to do that).

"Shuttuppa nnoowwaa, wee-aa lleettaa yyoouu-aa ssee-aa iinnaa mmiinnuuttee-aa."

Ruth couldn't understand the language they were speaking. It definitely wasn't Persian or any other language known to man, or else she would know it. This was something a lot more sinister. _Time to be strong, Ruth._

"Please," she begged weakly, "please just tell me who you are or i'll cry!"

"ooohhh god, no," a distinctly feminine voice cut in, "i'm starting to have enough of the other emotionally incontinent one!"

"Shit," a male voice replied, "you forgot the accent, the accent!"

Luckily for them, Ruth was completely oblivious to their slip-ups and was humming a nursery rhyme in her head... in mandarin chinese.

"ni de hao de wao peng yao."

She hit a bump and tripped over.

"Can you at least take off this blindfold so I don't trip over branches?"

"ttaakkee-aa offffaa hheerr-aa bblliinnddffoolldd-aa."

"we didn't give her a blindfold," a man whispered to the leader, "she put that on herself."

"_seriously?"_

The leader turned and looked at the placid Ruth, who responded with a shy smile.

"This hasn't been my first kidnapping, I know how it goes. Thought I'd make it easier on you all."

"Wweellllaa ttaakkee-aa iittaa ooffffaa, wwee-aa aarree-aa hheerree-aa nnoowwaa."

Ruth removed her blindfold and squinted around. It was a small village, filled with wooden huts. In the middle of the forest.

"You just can't make this stuff up, eh?" the leader said proudly.

Ruth turned to look at everyone who had come out to see her, and would have fainted if she hadn't have been so hydrated, full of Oreos and kept in the shade.

"Holy _shit_!"

"That's right, Ruth. Welcome to Burn-Out."

...

"Shhh," Beth motioned over her shoulder and got Dimitri and Lucas' attention. They slowly moved over behind her and poked their heads through the same bush as her.

Their eyes focussed on an incredible sight in front of them. A long wooden table was set up in the middle of a clearing. There were about 15 places set for what looked like a fancy jungle dinner.

"Shit, I think we're in Wonderland!" Beth exclaimed seriously. She refused to speak to the Mad Hatter... unless it was Johnny Depp.

"What do we do?" Dimitri asked, very confused by all this.

"We wait it out, see who comes to dinner," Lucas stated, "that might help us find Ruth."

"Good idea," Beth agreed, "and if not, then we can torch the place."

"_Why_?" Dimitri asked, incredulous.

"Hang on, I spend _hours _creating a flame thrower out of jungle tools and you're telling me I can't use it _once_? Screw you!"

Their heated conversation was stopped as a procession of people filed in through a gap in some trees across the clearing. They all took their respective seats at the table and Beth, Dimitri and Lucas all stifled their surprised gasps.

"What the-!"

...

"I'm pretty sure I saw this in Lord of The Rings," Tariq muttered, trying to keep up with Harry's weird jungle strut.

"What?" Harry asked, exasperated.

"Fellowship of the Ring. When they enter the forest of the Wood Elves."

"How is this_ at all _similar?" Harry hadn't seen the films, he didn't own a tv. Those new fangled inventions were nothing but trouble.

"Well, you're Gimli and I'm ... I don't know, Aragorn," Tariq puffed out his chest proudly.

"Gimli is... a tall strapping warrior?" Harry looked hopeful and imagined himself as a big muscular figure, carrying Ruth to safety in his arms.

"... Sure he is," Tariq replied, placating his boss.

"Okay, so how is this the same?"

"Well, at this point Gimli starts mouthing off, saying how no stupid elf can catch him off guard. It's really funny because after that he walks straight into-"

Tariq looked up as Harry came to an abrupt halt, bow and arrow pointed directly at his head.

"Nevermind."

**A/N**

**Anyone know where I'm going with this little village...? Yeah, you know it. **

**I think I got the worldly accents pretty perfect for a Spooks story, don't you?**

**Thanks to everyone who is still reading, please review if you have a spare moment with nothing better to do!**

**Next chapter up... soon I hope! **


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